Collection 7Z65 by Richard Pavlicek

Bridge Jokes

All of these items except a few noted by an asterisk (*) were created by Richard Pavlicek, although some were modeled after existing jokes and recreated with a bridge theme. They have been used as fillers in a variety of publications related to bridge.

I make no professional claims as a joke writer, so these items are released from my usual copyright. You are welcome to use them as desired without credit.

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A Matter of Priority

A man has a severe heart attack and is rushed to the hospital emergency room. The admitting nurse says, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to wait in line.”

“But I might be dying!” says the man.

“Sorry, a doctor will see you when one is available.”

Then an ambulance races up with its siren blaring, and a woman is carried in on a stretcher. A paramedic explains, “She was in a terrible accident and has just stopped breathing.”

“I’m sorry,” says the nurse, “she’ll have to wait in line.”

Next a guy walks in without assistance, whispers something to the nurse and is taken immediately to the examination room, surrounded by doctors.

“What’s this?” says the first man. “How come he goes right in?”

“Oh,” explains the nurse, “he’s a bridge player and his partner just passed him in a cue-bid.”

Number One Desire

A man is stranded on a deserted island for 10 years. One day he notices a speck on the horizon, and he watches intently as it draws near. “It can’t be a boat,” he thinks. “It can’t be a fish.” Suddenly, a beautiful woman emerges from the sea wearing scuba gear and a wet suit.

“Hi there!” she says.

The man is amazed. “But… but… how did you get here?”

“Never mind,” says the woman as she unzips the left pocket of her wet suit and hands the man a cigarette.

“Wow, this is terrific! I haven’t had a smoke in 10 years!”

“Enjoy!” says the woman as she unzips the right pocket of her wet suit and gives the man a flask of whiskey.

“I can’t believe it! This tastes so good!”

Next the woman starts to unzip the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit. “Now I’ve got something you really want.”

“What!” he says, “Don’t tell me you’ve got a deck of cards in there too!”

Marital Bliss

On their wedding night a couple arrive at their hotel room and the phone rings. The husband answers and talks with his friend about a bridge hand. The conversation continues for hours as the friend tells how he went down in six spades.

When it finally ends, the distraught wife is in tears and says, “How can he be so inconsiderate? That was terrible!”

“You’re right, honey. All he had to do was take a finesse.”

One Wish

A bridge duffer was polishing a lamp and… poof! Out popped a genie who said, “I will grant you one wish.”

The duffer unfolded a map of the world and said, “Let all of these countries live in peace and harmony.”

“You’ve got to be kidding! I’m only a genie.”

The duffer thought for a while and then suggested, “OK, then make me a winning bridge player.”

“Hmm… ” the genie pondered. “Let me see that map again.”

Survival Options

During World War II a U.S. Air Force plane was forced to ditch in the ocean, and four survivors managed to reach a small deserted island.

“Let’s send up a signal flare,” said the first aviator.

“Won’t work!” said the second. “Let’s build a fire so they’ll see the smoke.”

“No!” said the third. “We’ll need all the wood to build a shelter.”

“Whoa!” said the last, an avid bridge player. “Let’s just shoot down another plane so we can have a team game.”

Professional Opinion

Bill: My cardiologist says I can’t play bridge.

Tom: Why not? Do you have a heart problem?

Bill: Nope. He’s just played with me enough to know I’m hopeless.

Did You Know?

43.6 percent of all slam contracts fail.

62.7 percent of all bridge players are women.

97.8 percent of all bridge statistics, including these, are made up.

Medical Problem

Jim: Did you hear that Bob won’t be going to any more bridge tournaments because of his arthritis?

Joe: Has he seen a doctor?

Jim: Yes, he’s been to many doctors.

Joe: Can’t they eliminate the pain?

Jim: Oh, sure. But they also eliminated all his money.

Did You Hear…

About the man who wanted to learn bridge in one day? He ordered 35 copies of Five Weeks To Winning Bridge. *

About the lady who always went down one in 3 NT? When asked about this she said she was just following her teacher’s advice: “Eight ever, Nine never.” *

About the Elvis Presley coup? It’s when your left-hand opponent leads from his A-Q around to your K-x: the King is no longer dead!

Lebanese Limerick

There once was a player from Beirut
Who thought he would try to be cute.
He overcalled a spade
And died as he played.
The postmortem: a four-card suit.

No Guess for Bess

There once was a lady named Bess,
Who found a new way to finesse.
She made up excuses
To lead up to deuces,
And loses without having to guess!

Quotable Quotes

Why is it that experts avoid the use of Blackwood, and novices use Blackwood with a void?

My partner is a well-balanced player. He makes up for his inadequacy in the bidding with his ineptitude in the play.

Joe knows absolutely nothing about the game; his wife plays twice as well.

Too bad, pard, that was an unlucky grand slam — the ace of trumps was offside.

There are three kinds of bridge players: (1) Those who can count, and (2) those who can’t.

Bridge is a game of inches; too bad I always have my foot in my mouth.

I never met a man I didn’t like, ‘cept the bastard who doubled my slam.

I would’ve led my singleton, partner, but I couldn’t find it — it was so small. *

Never accept a free finesse. If you can’t afford to pay, just charge it.

We had a 75-percent game last night! Three out of four opponents thought we were idiots.

Be an expert! Never take a finesse to make your contract when you can go down on a squeeze play.

Daffynitions

Bath Coup — getting to use the tub before your roommate.

Doubleton — 4,000 pounds.

Dummy — (see below).

Partner — (see above).

Free Bid — all of them, once you pay your entry fee.

Gerber Convention — annual meeting of baby-food manufacturers.

Jack Denies — headlines about Marilyn Monroe’s relationship with J.F.K.

Key-Card Blackwood — an ingenious convention that allows you to get to a grand slam off the ace of trumps.

Law of Total Tricks — recent Las Vegas ordinance to reduce prostitution.

Quick Tricks — last-minute scurry by hookers to beat the ordinance.

Negative Double — the one that gets wrapped around your neck.

Reverse Bid — an opening like “Club One.”

Roman Discards — Caesar’s trash.

Short Club — a private organization for midgets.

Splinter Bid — the only known way to become declarer with a singleton trump in each hand.

Texas Transfer — relocation to a branch office in Dallas.

Trump Coup — triumph of Ivana’s attorneys in securing a huge alimony.

Trump Echo — a brand new casino in Atlantic City.

Vienna Coup — the mating sound of Austrian doves.

Wolff Sign-off — the ending of Little Red Riding Hood.

Bridge Songs?

Bridge Over Troubled Water — Travel-with-Goren cruise that stops in Havana, Tripoli and Basra.

It’s Not Unusual — partner’s scream after you misinterpret his 2 NT bid.

Monday, Monday — what you wish for after single-handedly blowing the Swiss Teams on Sunday.

The Second Time Around — the usual occasion when your aces get trumped.

Somethin’ Stupid — whichever line of play you decide to take.

‘Til the End of Time — normal duration before admitting your bridge mistakes.

Bridge Movies?

Bridge On the River Kwai — one of the first Goren cruises… a real blowout!

Double Indemnity — removing all the redouble cards from your opponents’ bidding boxes.

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea — the source of the ACBL’s new motto, “Let’s not be number 20,001.”

West Side Story — what the appeals committee would not buy as they ruled for North-South.

Fourth Best

Jan: Why did you lead the nine from K-9-7-5-2?

Sue: I play fourth best.

Jan: Then why not the five?

Sue: Darn! I always forget which end to count from.

Important Rules

Rule of Eleven — the inevitable trick total whenever you bid a slam.

Eight Ever, Nine Never — the status quo whenever you raise 2 NT to 3 NT.

Second Hand Low — the easiest way to lose your aces on defense.

Leading Through Strength — a surefire way to make your queens disappear.

What “Richard Says” — tips that work on lesson deals, but never in real life.

Bedtime Story

A bumbling bridge player explained to his friend how he planned to improve his game: “Every night when I go to bed I think about the mistakes I made that day at the bridge table.”

“Gee,” his friend said, “how do you get any sleep?”

Self Evident?

When, in the course of bridge events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the moral bonds between one player and another, the weaker ones require that they declare their unethical intentions. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that we are all created equal; that we are endowed with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of masterpoints; and that in the course of achieving this goal, we be allowed to cheat. -John Handhog *

Robbie the Robot

Last Christmas I was overjoyed when Mabel bought me something I always wanted but could never afford: my own robot! I named it “Robbie” and spent hours studying the manuals and learning to use it. Everything worked great, but there was one thing that puzzled me. The instructions said nothing about the three buttons on Robbie’s chest.

The first button said “Genius.” I pressed it and was totally dumfounded as Robbie spoke, “In the General Theory of Relativity, what is the relationship between inertial and gravitational mass?”

Say what? You’ve got to be kidding! I could see Mabel must have spent some big bucks on this thing. I quickly moved along to the second button which said “Normal” and pressed it. Robbie paused for a few moments and then asked, “In Euclidean Geometry what are the five platonic solids?”

Darn! I learned that in high school, but I just couldn’t remember them all. Oh, well; I was almost normal. I noticed the third button was labeled “Useless” and out of curiosity I pressed it. Wow! My eyes lit up fast as Robbie began, “You hold ace fifth, king-jack fourth…”

In Other Words

After spending the night in a blizzard, a tourist incurred frostbite on his left palm and fingers. In other words: The hand was ice cold.

A land developer was appalled with the high estimates to construct an apartment complex, and he pleaded with the contractors to lower their proposals. Almost immediately, the F.H.A. intervened and forced him to accept the lowest proposal. In other words: Because of the interference, he was unable to reverse the bidding.

Clear As Mud

Sue: Do you play M-U-D?

Sally: No, never heard of it.

Sue: Then what do you lead from three-small?

Sally: Fourth best, I guess.

Incompitance

Incompitance! Who needs it! We got to do something about the ever-increasing incompitance in the bridge world, especially among it’s writers. If we don’t stop it now, its hardly never going to quit by itself.

The Invoke

Know your ACBL Laws! An “invoke” is the irregularity of following suit when you are unable to do so. Unlike its counterpart, the revoke, there are as yet no prescribed penalties.

A well-timed invoke is most effective against declarers who count the cards. Imagine their frustration as the 14th or 15th spade appears!

Therefore, until the authorities wise up, keep this tactic in mind. The next time you are out of a suit, consider following instead. It works!

Five Over Five

Some years ago Ed Manfield wrote an excellent article about the inadvisability of competing to five in your suit when the enemy bids five in their suit. In these situations it is far more often right to pass or double.

The tip he stressed was: “The five level belongs to the opponents.” In general this is sound advice, but I am somewhat less adamant about it. Occasionally, I have joked with him, “Remember, Ed: The five level belongs to me!”

Andy Rooney Report

Why can’t the ACBL leave the names of things alone? Just when we got used to the Grand National Pairs, the gods in Memphis made it the North American Open Pairs. And why did the McKenney race have to become the Top-500 race? I can’t argue with the later change to the Barry Crane Top-500 to honor the best matchpoint player of all time. But why not the Barry Crane McKenney? Or is that too many names?

I am proud to have won the Reisinger Teams, formerly called the Chicago. My son won his category once in the Mini-McKenney; but then it was the Little McKenney. Sheesh! Is there that much difference between Little and Mini that a change was even necessary?

And what ever happened to the Men’s Pairs? Now it’s always the Open Pairs. I’m sure this is some kind of sexist thing, but I wish someone would tell me if I am being slighted or not.

Oh well, at least I can look forward to the next Nationals, er, I mean, North American Championships.