Almost Bridge 7F68 by Richard Pavlicek

The Acronymphomaniacs

On the first round they were pitted against the leaders, two women they had never played before.

Babs was especially nervous when she saw their convention card, which listed over 100 conventions, all by acronyms. She recognized a few — JTB, FSF and NMF — but the rest were like Greek, so she hoped nothing would come up.

On the first board Duke, North, opened 1 NT and East overcalled two hearts.

“Alert!” interjected West, “That’s DONT.”

“Don’t what?” inquired Babs, “I haven’t even bid yet.”

“No, my partner’s bid is DONT, a convention to show the majors.”

“In that case, I don’t think she’s gonna make it,” Babs answered. “I double!”

Almost simultaneously, West redoubled.

“Alert!” said East, “That’s SOS.”

“You’re going to need more than that,” warned Babs, “like a truckload of paramedics.”

Duke passed and East ran to spades. Babs began to think (she’ll try anything once) and remembered what Duke had said about cue-bidding stoppers. “Three hearts!” she called triumphantly, figuring Duke would bid 3 NT with his spade stopper. Alas, Duke raised to 4  and Babs had to play it.

4 by South

None Vul	J 10 9 A K 4 3 9 6 3 A K 6
8 7 2 2 Q J 5 4 J 9 8 7 5		A K Q 6 4 8 7 6 5 8 7 2 10
Lead: 7	5 3 Q J 10 9 A K 10 Q 4 3 2

West Rdbl Pass

North 1 NT Pass 4

East 2 2 All Pass

South Dbl 3

West led the spade seven. “Alert!” clamored East, “That’s MUD.”

“Say what?” Babs replied, “So you play dirty, too?”

“No, you airhead, it’s a convention. From three small we play middle-up-down.”

East won the  Q and shifted to her stiff club, which Babs won in dummy with the king. Babs gave up a second spade, and East returned the diamond seven.

“Alert!” said West, “That’s MUD, too.”

“Damn sure will be,” Babs muttered, “like both of you tarts after this hand.”

Babs won the  A, cashed the  Q-J, then led a trump to dummy to reach:

	J A 9 6 A 6
2 — Q J J 9 8		A 6 4 8 8 2 —
	— 10 K 10 Q 4 3

Babs led the  J, East covered, and she ruffed with the  10. Or so she thought! By mistake, she had pulled out the diamond 10 and quickly tried to change it.

“Not so fast!” interrupted West. “You can’t change your play after you show everyone the card. Let’s get the DIC.”

“What’s that?” asked Babs, “a dictionary?”

“No, you flake, I want the Director in Charge for a ruling.”

Moments later the DIC arrives, and they explain the situation. He opens his rulebook and reads aloud Law 45C, which defines a “played card” by declarer as “touching or nearly touching the table.”

“Yes, it was.” confirmed West.

“No, it wasn’t!” Babs refuted. “It was an inch away. That’s not nearly touching.”

The DIC deliberated, “This is a close one, and I’m not sure of the exact definition. Wait one moment while I check with the Head Director in Charge.”

A few minutes later the HDIC arrives and offers his condolences, “I’m sorry, Babs, but the official guidelines consider one inch to be nearly touching, so I have to rule against you. The diamond 10 is played.”

“Thank you, sir” East gently offered.

“Yes, thank you,” West echoed sweetly.

“Sure!” growled Babs, “What other ruling would I expect from a DIC Head.”

So, East was awarded the disputed trick with the  A. East next led a diamond, won by the king, and Babs led her last trump to dummy’s ace. Wow! West was squeezed. If she pitched her last diamond, dummy’s nine would be good, so she let go her club stopper and Babs had the rest in clubs.

Epilogue

A month later, the fateful deal was written up by a nationally syndicated columnist, who proposed a name for this unusual card-play technique. He dubbed it the “Babs Anti-Ruff Exit And Strip Squeeze,” but, of course, we all know it today simply by its acronym — BAREASS.