Main     Humor 3Y01 by Richard Pavlicek    

Bridge Jokes

All of these items (except a few stolen at gunpoint) were created by Richard Pavlicek, although some were modeled after existing jokes and recreated with a bridge theme. They have been used as fillers in various bridge publications.

Mr. Pavlicek has no professional recognition as a joke writer (many would say any kind of writer) so you are welcome to use them as desired with or without credit. All Richard asks is that you practice safe bridge.

© 1945 PavCo Bordellos. All Nights reserved.

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Number One Desire

A man is stranded on a deserted island for 10 years. One day he notices a speck on the horizon, and he watches intently as it draws near. “It can’t be a boat,” he thinks. “It can’t be a fish.” Suddenly, a beautiful woman emerges from the sea wearing scuba gear and a wet suit.

“Hi there!” she says.

The man is amazed. “But… but… how did you get here?”

“Never mind,” says the woman as she unzips the left pocket of her wet suit and hands the man a cigarette.

“Wow, this is terrific! I haven’t had a smoke in 10 years!”

“Enjoy!” says the woman as she unzips the right pocket of her wet suit and gives the man a flask of whiskey.

“I can’t believe it! This tastes so good!”

Next the woman starts to unzip the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit. “Now I’ve got something you must really want bad.”

“What!” he says, “Don’t tell me you’ve got a deck of cards in there too!”

A Matter of Priority

A man has a severe heart attack and is rushed to the hospital emergency room. The admitting nurse says, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to wait in line.”

“But I might be dying!” says the man.

“Sorry, a doctor will see you when one is available.”

Then an ambulance races up with its siren blaring, and a woman is carried in on a stretcher. A paramedic explains, “She was in a terrible accident and has just stopped breathing.”

“I’m sorry,” says the nurse, “she’ll have to wait in line.”

Next a guy walks in without assistance, whispers something to the nurse and is taken immediately to the examination room, surrounded by doctors.

“What’s this?” says the first man. “How come he goes right in?”

“Oh,” explains the nurse, “he’s a bridge player and his partner just passed him in a cue-bid.”

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Did You Know?

43.6 percent of all slam contracts fail.

62.7 percent of all bridge players are women.

97.8 percent of all bridge statistics, including these, are made up.

Marital Bliss

On their wedding night a couple arrive at their hotel room and the phone rings. The husband answers and talks with his friend about a bridge hand. The conversation continues for hours as the friend tells how he went down in six spades.

When it finally ends, the distraught wife is in tears and says, “How can he be so inconsiderate? That was terrible!

“You’re right, honey. All he had to do was take a finesse.”

One Wish

A bridge duffer was polishing a lamp and… poof! Out popped a genie who said, “I will grant you one wish.”

The duffer unfolded a map of the world and said, “Let all of these countries live in peace and harmony.”

“You’ve got to be kidding! I’m only a genie.”

The duffer thought for a while and then suggested, “OK, then make me a winning bridge player.”

“Hmm… ” the genie pondered. “Let me see that map again.”

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Survival Options

During World War II a U.S. Air Force plane was forced to ditch in the ocean, and four survivors managed to reach a small deserted island.

“Let’s send up a signal flare,” said the first aviator.

“Won’t work!” said the second. “Let’s build a fire so they’ll see the smoke.”

“No!” said the third. “We’ll need all the wood to build a shelter.”

“Whoa!” said the last, an avid bridge player. “Let’s just shoot down another plane so we can have a team game.”

Medical Problem

Jim: Did you hear that Bob won’t be going to any more bridge tournaments because of his arthritis?

Joe: Has he seen a doctor?

Jim: Yes, he’s been to many doctors.

Joe: Can’t they eliminate the pain?

Jim: Oh, sure. But they also eliminated all his money.

Did You Hear…

About the man who wanted to learn bridge in one day? He ordered 35 copies of Five Weeks To Winning Bridge.

About the lady who always went down one in 3 NT? When asked about this she said she was just following her teacher’s advice: “Eight ever, Nine never.”

About the Elvis Presley coup? It’s when your left-hand opponent leads from A-Q around to your K-x: the King is no longer dead!

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Professional Opinion

Bill: My cardiologist says I can’t play bridge.

Tom: Why not? Do you have some kind of heart problem?

Bill: No. He’s just played with me enough to know I’m hopeless.

Daffynitions

Bath Coup — getting to use the tub before your roommate.

Doubleton — 4,000 pounds.

Dummy — (see below).

Partner — (see above).

Free Bid — all of them, once you pay your entry fee.

Gerber Convention — a meeting of baby-food manufacturers.

Jack Denies — headlines about Marilyn Monroe’s relationship with J.F.K.

Key-Card Blackwood — an ingenious convention that allows you to get to a grand slam off the ace of trumps.

Law of Total Tricks — recent Las Vegas ordinance to reduce prostitution.

Quick Tricks — frantic scurry by hookers to beat the ordinance.

Negative Double — the one that gets wrapped around your neck.

Reverse Bid — an opening like “Club One.”

Roman Discards — Caesar’s trash.

Short Club — a private organization for midgets.

Splinter Bid — the only known way to become declarer with a singleton trump in each hand.

Texas Transfer — relocation to a branch office in Dallas.

Trump Coup — triumph of Ivana’s attorneys in securing a huge alimony.

Trump Echo — a brand new casino in Atlantic City.

Vienna Coup — the mating sound of Austrian doves.

Wolff Sign-off — the ending of Little Red Riding Hood.

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Quotable Quotes

Why is it that experts avoid the use of Blackwood, and novices use Blackwood with a void?

My partner is a well-balanced player. He makes up for his inadequacy in the bidding with his ineptitude in the play.

Joe knows absolutely nothing about the game; his wife plays twice as well.

Too bad, pard, that was an unlucky grand slam — the ace of trumps was offside.

There are three kinds of bridge players: (1) Those who can count, and (2) those who can’t.

Bridge is a game of inches; too bad I always have my foot in my mouth.

I never met a man I didn’t like, ‘cept the bastard who doubled my slam.

I would’ve led my singleton, partner, but I couldn’t find it — it was so small.

Never accept a free finesse. If you can’t afford to pay, just charge it.

We had a 75-percent game tonight! Three out of four opponents thought we were idiots.

Be an expert! Never take a finesse to make your contract when you can go down on a squeeze play.

My partner makes random signals on every hand. The good news is that he falsecards so much they all appear normal.

Bridge Songs?

Bridge Over Troubled Water — Travel-with-Goren cruise that stops in Havana, Tripoli and Basra.

It’s Not Unusual — partner’s scream after you misinterpret his 2 NT bid.

Monday, Monday — what you wish for after single-handedly blowing the Swiss Teams on Sunday.

The Second Time Around — the usual occasion when your aces get trumped.

Somethin’ Stupid — whichever line of play you decide to take.

‘Til the End of Time — normal duration before admitting your bridge mistakes.

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Bridge Movies?

Bridge On the River Kwai — one of the first Goren cruises… a real blowout!

Double Indemnity — removing all the redouble cards from your opponents’ bidding boxes.

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea — the source of the ACBL’s new motto, “Let’s not be number 20,001.”

West Side Story — what the appeals committee would not buy as they ruled for North-South.

Lebanese Limerick

There once was a player from Beirut
Who thought he would try to be cute.
  He overcalled a spade
  And died as he played.
The postmortem: a four-card suit.

No Guess for Bess

There once was a lady named Bess,
Who found a new way to finesse.
  She made up excuses
  To lead up to deuces,
And loses without having to guess!

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Robbie the Robot

Last Christmas I was overjoyed when Mabel bought me something I have always wanted but could not afford: my own robot! I named it “Robbie” and spent hours studying the manuals and learning to use it. Everything worked great, but there was one thing that puzzled me. The instructions said nothing about the three buttons on Robbie’s chest.

The first button said “Genius.” I pressed it and was totally dumfounded as Robbie spoke, “In the General Theory of Relativity, what is the relationship between inertial and gravitational mass?”

Say what? You’ve got to be kidding! I could see Mabel must have spent some big bucks on this thing. I quickly moved along to the second button which said “Normal” and pressed it. Robbie paused for a few moments and then asked, “In Euclidean Geometry what are the five platonic solids?”

Darn! I learned that in high school, but I just couldn’t remember them all. Oh, well; I was almost normal. I noticed the third button was labeled “Useless” and out of curiosity I pressed it. Wow! My eyes lit up fast as Robbie began, “You hold ace fifth, king-jack fourth…”

Fourth Best

Jan: Why did you lead the nine from K-9-7-5-2?

Sue: I play fourth best.

Jan: Then why not the five?

Sue: Darn! I always forget which end to count from.

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Important Rules

Rule of Eleven — the inevitable trick total whenever you bid a slam.

Eight Ever, Nine Never — the status quo whenever you raise 2 NT to 3 NT.

Second Hand Low — the easiest way to lose your aces on defense.

Leading Through Strength — a surefire way to make your queens disappear.

What “Richard Says” — tips that work on lesson deals, but never in real life.

Bedtime Story

A bumbling bridge player explained to his regular partner how he planned to improve his game: “Every night when I go to bed I think about the mistakes I made that day at the bridge table.”

“Gee,” his partner said, “how do you get any sleep?”

Self Evident?

When, in the course of bridge events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the moral bonds between one player and another, the weaker ones require that they declare their unethical intentions. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that we are all created equal; that we are endowed with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of masterpoints; and that in the course of achieving this goal, we be allowed to cheat. -John Handhog

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In Other Words

After spending the night in a blizzard, a tourist incurred frostbite on his left palm and fingers. In other words: The hand was ice cold.

A land developer was appalled with the high estimates to construct an apartment complex, and he pleaded with the contractors to lower their proposals. Almost immediately, the F.H.A. intervened and forced him to accept the lowest proposal. In other words: Because of the interference, he was unable to reverse the bidding.

Zero Tolerance

After declarer goes down in a makable contract because of inspired but faulty defense, this exchange takes place:

Declarer [to RHO]: You’re an idiot!

RHO: DI–REC–TOR!

[Tournament Director arrives]

TD: What seems to be the problem?

RHO: This man called me an idiot.

TD [to Declarer]: Are you aware of our Zero Tolerance policy?

Declarer: Of course. And I have zero tolerance for idiots!

Andy Rooney Report

Why can’t the ACBL leave the names of things alone? Just when we got used to the Grand National Pairs, the gods in Memphis made it the North American Open Pairs. And why did the McKenney race have to become the Top-500 race? I can’t argue with the later change to the Barry Crane Top-500 to honor the best matchpoint player of all time. But why not the Barry Crane McKenney? Or is that too many names?

I am proud to have won the Reisinger Teams, formerly called the Chicago. My son won his category once in the Mini-McKenney; but then it was the Little McKenney. Sheesh! Is there that much difference between Little and Mini that a change was even necessary?

And what ever happened to the Men’s Pairs? Now it’s always the Open Pairs. I’m sure this is some kind of sexist thing, but I wish someone would tell me if I am being slighted or not.

Oh well, at least I can look forward to the next Nationals, er, I mean, North American Championships.

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Air Traffic Priority

Pilot: This is United 480 approaching at 240 degrees. Request clearance to land.

Pilot [repeating]: This is United 480. Do you copy?

Pilot [once again]: This is United 480 to Tower. Come in please.

Control Tower: Copy, United 480. Level off at 3000 feet and maintain heading while we finish this hand.

Clear As Mud

Sue: Do you play M-U-D?

Sally: No, never heard of it.

Sue: Then what do you lead from three-small?

Sally: Fourth best, I guess.

The Invoke

Know your ACBL Laws! An “invoke” is the irregularity of following suit when you are unable to do so. Unlike its counterpart, the revoke, there are as yet no prescribed penalties.

A well-timed invoke is most effective against declarers who count the cards. Imagine their frustration as the 14th or 15th spade appears!

Therefore, until the authorities wise up, keep this tactic in mind. The next time you are out of a suit, consider following instead. It works!

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Final Jeopardy?

Imagine if Alex Trebek were a bridge player. I could picture this scenario at his table:

Lady: One spade.

Alex: I’m sorry, but that’s insufficient. DI–REC–TOR!

[Tournament Director arrives]

TD: What seems to be the problem?

Alex: This lady bid just one spade, and I don’t accept it.

Director [to Lady]: Would you like to make it sufficient?

Lady: All right. What is one spade.

Alex: Thank you.

Major Obsession

Years ago I tried a bidding system called “Three-Card Majors.” Alas, I ran afoul with the ACBL because I would often fudge. Like the 10-12 notrumpers who usually had 9, I started to open strong doubletons; then I became obsessed and ignored the “strong” part. The ACBL insisted I write “Two-Card Majors” on my card, but I knew that wouldn’t last with my crazed obsession. Therefore, to keep everyone satisfied I now call it “Splinters at the one level.”

Five Over Five

Some years ago Ed Manfield wrote an excellent article about the inadvisability of competing to five in your suit when the enemy bids five in their suit. In these situations it is far more often right to pass or double.

The tip he stressed was: “The five level belongs to the opponents.” In general this is sound advice, but I am somewhat less adamant about it. Occasionally, I have joked with him, “Remember, Ed: The five level belongs to me!

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Fishy Declarer Play

Joe: Sorry, I misplayed that hand.

Frank: Forget it. You gave it your best.

Joe: No, I played like a fish.

Frank: Why would you say that?

Joe: Because I was led down the pike and floundered trying to be Bonito Garozzo.

The Ravin’

by Edgar Allan Pavlicek

Once upon a midnight, Drury
 Drove my partner to a fury.

All I did was bid two clubs;
 Don’t know why he got so sore.

While I nodded, nearly napping,
 I received a verbal flapping.

Partner asked me o’er and o’er,
 “Have you ever played before?”

As for Drury…
 Nevermore!

Incompitance

Incompitance! Who needs it! We got to do something about the ever-increasing incompitance in the bridge world, especially among it’s writers. If we don’t stop it now, its hardly never going to quit by isself.

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Florida Recount

The main problem with Florida players is counting the points of a bridge hand. No matter how many times we recount them — whether by computer or by hand — the totals never agree.

I propose to change the Florida requirements for opening 1 NT from 15-17 to 13-19. This should reduce hard feelings among our northern friends by eliminating 90 percent of the miscounts; and the 10 percent we still miss can be blamed on hanging chads.

Vote Pavlicek for Governor.

Bridge on Ice

Have you heard that bridge was included as an exhibition sport for the 2002 Winter Olympics? Further, bridge promoters hope it will become a full-fledged sport for the 2006 games. All I can say, people, is gimme a break! Has everyone lost their mind? How can a mental activity be a sport? And a winter sport, no less. I don’t think going down in an ice-cold contract really qualifies.

I can imagine a sports announcer like Jim McKay describing the play of a bridge deal: “And, they’re off! U.S.A. jumps out to an early lead… the cards are flying at lightning speed… declarer is on pace to set a world record… it’s going to be close… Oh, no! He took a finesse and lost to the stiff king… no Gold… they’ll have to settle for the Silver.”

Cell Phone Ban

Judy, Trudy and Meg would like to play in the Mixed Pairs, so they go to the partnership desk well before game time. The hostess cordially greets them but warns, “We have one rule here: No cell phones!”

Sure enough, before another word could be spoken, Judy’s cell phone rings, and the hostess says, “Sorry, Judy. For that I must pair you with Joe, the worst male bridge player of all time.”

A few minutes later Trudy’s cell phone chimes, and the hostess says, “Too bad, Trudy. Your partner will be Sam, who is about as hopeless as they come.”

Meanwhile, Meg waits patiently for almost an hour with her cell phone carefully turned off. Finally, the hostess walks over with Bob Hamman and says, “Congratulations, Meg! Your partner will be the world’s #1 player.”

Meg is awestruck as she turns to Mr. Hamman, “I can’t believe it! What could I have done to deserve a partner as great as you?”

“I don’t know what happened to you,” grumbled Bob, “but my damn cell phone went off!”

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Bidding Infractions

Tonight we continue our discussion of bidding infractions, and our first speaker will be Emily Litella:

“Thank you, Richard. I have always felt that with a borderline opening, I should be able to bid one-half club, or with an extremely weak opener, one-third heart. If I want to try for slam without getting too high, I should be able to bid four and one-half spades; then if partner rejects, he can just take away the half…”

Whoa, Emily. “Infractions” is one word.

“Oh. Never mind.”

The Rest Are Mine

John Crawford achieved considerable notoriety as a shrewd card player. According to legend, he was once in a hopeless four-spade contract. About midway through the play this exchange takes place:

Crawford: The rest are mine. Making five.

Opponent: What do you mean! I still have a trump trick.

Crawford: Oh, you’re absolutely right. Great defense, too, to hold me to four.

Opponent: Thank you.

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© 1945 PavCo Bordellos. All Nights reserved.