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Humor 3Y01 by Richard Pavlicek
Mr. Pavlicek has no professional recognition as a joke writer (many would say any kind of writer) so you are welcome to use them as desired with or without credit. All Richard asks is that you practice safe bridge.
© 1945 PavCo Bordellos. All Nights reserved.
Number One Desire“Hi there!” she says.
The man is amazed. “But… but… how did you get here?”
“Never mind,” says the woman as she unzips the left pocket of her wet suit and hands the man a cigarette.
“Wow, this is terrific! I haven’t had a smoke in 10 years!”
“Enjoy!” says the woman as she unzips the right pocket of her wet suit and gives the man a flask of whiskey.
“I can’t believe it! This tastes so good!”
Next the woman starts to unzip the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit. “Now I’ve got something you must really want bad.”
“What!” he says, “Don’t tell me you’ve got a deck of cards in there too!”
A Matter of Priority“But I might be dying!” says the man.
“Sorry, a doctor will see you when one is available.”
Then an ambulance races up with its siren blaring, and a woman is carried in on a stretcher. A paramedic explains, “She was in a terrible accident and has just stopped breathing.”
“I’m sorry,” says the nurse, “she’ll have to wait in line.”
Next a guy walks in without assistance, whispers something to the nurse and is taken immediately to the examination room, surrounded by doctors.
“What’s this?” says the first man. “How come he goes right in?”
“Oh,” explains the nurse, “he’s a bridge player and his partner just passed him in a cue-bid.”
Did You Know?62.7 percent of all bridge players are women.
97.8 percent of all bridge statistics, including these, are made up.
Marital BlissWhen it finally ends, the distraught wife is in tears and says, “How can he be so inconsiderate? That was terrible!”
“You’re right, honey. All he had to do was take a finesse.”
One WishThe duffer unfolded a map of the world and said, “Let all of these countries live in peace and harmony.”
“You’ve got to be kidding! I’m only a genie.”
The duffer thought for a while and then suggested, “OK, then make me a winning bridge player.”
“Hmm… ” the genie pondered. “Let me see that map again.”
Survival Options“Let’s send up a signal flare,” said the first aviator.
“Won’t work!” said the second. “Let’s build a fire so they’ll see the smoke.”
“No!” said the third. “We’ll need all the wood to build a shelter.”
“Whoa!” said the last, an avid bridge player. “Let’s just shoot down another plane so we can have a team game.”
Medical ProblemJoe: Has he seen a doctor?
Jim: Yes, he’s been to many doctors.
Joe: Can’t they eliminate the pain?
Jim: Oh, sure. But they also eliminated all his money.
Did You Hear…About the lady who always went down one in 3 NT? When asked about this she said she was just following her teacher’s advice: “Eight ever, Nine never.”
About the Elvis Presley coup? It’s when your left-hand opponent leads from A-Q around to your K-x: the King is no longer dead!
Professional OpinionTom: Why not? Do you have some kind of heart problem?
Bill: No. He’s just played with me enough to know I’m hopeless.
DaffynitionsDoubleton — 4,000 pounds.
Dummy — (see below).
Partner — (see above).
Free Bid — all of them, once you pay your entry fee.
Gerber Convention — a meeting of baby-food manufacturers.
Jack Denies — headlines about Marilyn Monroe’s relationship with J.F.K.
Key-Card Blackwood — an ingenious convention that allows you to get to a grand slam off the ace of trumps.
Law of Total Tricks — recent Las Vegas ordinance to reduce prostitution.
Quick Tricks — frantic scurry by hookers to beat the ordinance.
Negative Double — the one that gets wrapped around your neck.
Reverse Bid — an opening like “Club One.”
Roman Discards — Caesar’s trash.
Short Club — a private organization for midgets.
Splinter Bid — the only known way to become declarer with a singleton trump in each hand.
Texas Transfer — relocation to a branch office in Dallas.
Trump Coup — triumph of Ivana’s attorneys in securing a huge alimony.
Trump Echo — a brand new casino in Atlantic City.
Vienna Coup — the mating sound of Austrian doves.
Wolff Sign-off — the ending of Little Red Riding Hood.
Quotable QuotesMy partner is a well-balanced player. He makes up for his inadequacy in the bidding with his ineptitude in the play.
Joe knows absolutely nothing about the game; his wife plays twice as well.
Too bad, pard, that was an unlucky grand slam — the ace of trumps was offside.
There are three kinds of bridge players: (1) Those who can count, and (2) those who can’t.
Bridge is a game of inches; too bad I always have my foot in my mouth.
I never met a man I didn’t like, ‘cept the bastard who doubled my slam.
I would’ve led my singleton, partner, but I couldn’t find it — it was so small.
Never accept a free finesse. If you can’t afford to pay, just charge it.
We had a 75-percent game tonight! Three out of four opponents thought we were idiots.
Be an expert! Never take a finesse to make your contract when you can go down on a squeeze play.
My partner makes random signals on every hand. The good news is that he falsecards so much they all appear normal.
Bridge Songs?It’s Not Unusual — partner’s scream after you misinterpret his 2 NT bid.
Monday, Monday — what you wish for after single-handedly blowing the Swiss Teams on Sunday.
The Second Time Around — the usual occasion when your aces get trumped.
Somethin’ Stupid — whichever line of play you decide to take.
‘Til the End of Time — normal duration before admitting your bridge mistakes.
Bridge Movies?Double Indemnity — removing all the redouble cards from your opponents’ bidding boxes.
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea — the source of the ACBL’s new motto, “Let’s not be number 20,001.”
West Side Story — what the appeals committee would not buy as they ruled for North-South.
Lebanese Limerick No Guess for Bess Robbie the Robot
Last Christmas I was overjoyed when Mabel bought me something I have always wanted but could not afford: my own robot! I named it “Robbie” and spent hours studying the manuals and learning to use it. Everything worked great, but there was one thing that puzzled me. The instructions said nothing about the three buttons on Robbie’s chest.The first button said “Genius.” I pressed it and was totally dumfounded as Robbie spoke, “In the General Theory of Relativity, what is the relationship between inertial and gravitational mass?”
Say what? You’ve got to be kidding! I could see Mabel must have spent some big bucks on this thing. I quickly moved along to the second button which said “Normal” and pressed it. Robbie paused for a few moments and then asked, “In Euclidean Geometry what are the five platonic solids?”
Darn! I learned that in high school, but I just couldn’t remember them all. Oh, well; I was almost normal. I noticed the third button was labeled “Useless” and out of curiosity I pressed it. Wow! My eyes lit up fast as Robbie began, “You hold ace fifth, king-jack fourth…”
Fourth BestSue: I play fourth best.
Jan: Then why not the five?
Sue: Darn! I always forget which end to count from.
Important RulesEight Ever, Nine Never — the status quo whenever you raise 2 NT to 3 NT.
Second Hand Low — the easiest way to lose your aces on defense.
Leading Through Strength — a surefire way to make your queens disappear.
What “Richard Says” — tips that work on lesson deals, but never in real life.
Bedtime Story“Gee,” his partner said, “how do you get any sleep?”
Self Evident? In Other WordsA land developer was appalled with the high estimates to construct an apartment complex, and he pleaded with the contractors to lower their proposals. Almost immediately, the F.H.A. intervened and forced him to accept the lowest proposal. In other words: Because of the interference, he was unable to reverse the bidding.
Zero ToleranceDeclarer [to RHO]: You’re an idiot!
RHO: DI–REC–TOR!
[Tournament Director arrives]
TD: What seems to be the problem?
RHO: This man called me an idiot.
TD [to Declarer]: Are you aware of our Zero Tolerance policy?
Declarer: Of course. And I have zero tolerance for idiots!
Andy Rooney ReportI am proud to have won the Reisinger Teams, formerly called the Chicago. My son won his category once in the Mini-McKenney; but then it was the Little McKenney. Sheesh! Is there that much difference between Little and Mini that a change was even necessary?
And what ever happened to the Men’s Pairs? Now it’s always the Open Pairs. I’m sure this is some kind of sexist thing, but I wish someone would tell me if I am being slighted or not.
Oh well, at least I can look forward to the next Nationals, er, I mean, North American Championships.
Air Traffic PriorityPilot [repeating]: This is United 480. Do you copy?
Pilot [once again]: This is United 480 to Tower. Come in please.
Control Tower: Copy, United 480. Level off at 3000 feet and maintain heading while we finish this hand.
Clear As MudSally: No, never heard of it.
Sue: Then what do you lead from three-small?
Sally: Fourth best, I guess.
The InvokeA well-timed invoke is most effective against declarers who count the cards. Imagine their frustration as the 14th or 15th spade appears!
Therefore, until the authorities wise up, keep this tactic in mind. The next time you are out of a suit, consider following instead. It works!
Final Jeopardy?Lady: One spade.
Alex: I’m sorry, but that’s insufficient. DI–REC–TOR!
[Tournament Director arrives]
TD: What seems to be the problem?
Alex: This lady bid just one spade, and I don’t accept it.
Director [to Lady]: Would you like to make it sufficient?
Lady: All right. What is one spade.
Alex: Thank you.
Major Obsession Five Over FiveThe tip he stressed was: “The five level belongs to the opponents.” In general this is sound advice, but I am somewhat less adamant about it. Occasionally, I have joked with him, “Remember, Ed: The five level belongs to me!”
Fishy Declarer PlayFrank: Forget it. You gave it your best.
Joe: No, I played like a fish.
Frank: Why would you say that?
Joe: Because I was led down the pike and floundered trying to be Bonito Garozzo.
The Ravin’
Once upon a midnight, Drury
Drove my partner to a fury.
All I did was bid two clubs;
Don’t know why he got so sore.
While I nodded, nearly napping,
I received a verbal flapping.
Partner asked me o’er and o’er,
“Have you ever played before?”
As for Drury…
Nevermore!
Incompitance Florida RecountI propose to change the Florida requirements for opening 1 NT from 15-17 to 13-19. This should reduce hard feelings among our northern friends by eliminating 90 percent of the miscounts; and the 10 percent we still miss can be blamed on hanging chads.
Vote Pavlicek for Governor.
Bridge on IceI can imagine a sports announcer like Jim McKay describing the play of a bridge deal: “And, they’re off! U.S.A. jumps out to an early lead… the cards are flying at lightning speed… declarer is on pace to set a world record… it’s going to be close… Oh, no! He took a finesse and lost to the stiff king… no Gold… they’ll have to settle for the Silver.”
Cell Phone BanSure enough, before another word could be spoken, Judy’s cell phone rings, and the hostess says, “Sorry, Judy. For that I must pair you with Joe, the worst male bridge player of all time.”
A few minutes later Trudy’s cell phone chimes, and the hostess says, “Too bad, Trudy. Your partner will be Sam, who is about as hopeless as they come.”
Meanwhile, Meg waits patiently for almost an hour with her cell phone carefully turned off. Finally, the hostess walks over with Bob Hamman and says, “Congratulations, Meg! Your partner will be the world’s #1 player.”
Meg is awestruck as she turns to Mr. Hamman, “I can’t believe it! What could I have done to deserve a partner as great as you?”
“I don’t know what happened to you,” grumbled Bob, “but my damn cell phone went off!”
Bidding Infractions“Thank you, Richard. I have always felt that with a borderline opening, I should be able to bid one-half club, or with an extremely weak opener, one-third heart. If I want to try for slam without getting too high, I should be able to bid four and one-half spades; then if partner rejects, he can just take away the half…”
Whoa, Emily. “Infractions” is one word.
“Oh. Never mind.”
The Rest Are MineCrawford: The rest are mine. Making five.
Opponent: What do you mean! I still have a trump trick.
Crawford: Oh, you’re absolutely right. Great defense, too, to hold me to four.
Opponent: Thank you.
© 1945 PavCo Bordellos. All Nights reserved.
